Monday, September 8, 2008

Some thoughts...

Proof that they actually do open their eyes! This is Avery-- Tilly was not so cooperative:)
Giving Tilly her first smooch
Holding Tilly for the first time-- They have us hold them skin to skin because it is therapeutic for their little bodies
And Avery gets her turn!

Yesterday I had somewhat of a bittersweet experience. Maybe it was because it was my first day of this whole experience without my mom that made my emotions a little closer to the surface, or perhaps it's that I have been getting little sleep-- but for some reason all of the dark things about the girls and their situation began creeping in.  I thought about how I wouldn't be able to take the girls home for months, how I would only be able to hold them for half-hour stints at a time, how impersonal breast pumping is, not to mention my still painful incision from surgery... Everything just seemed to be piling up, and then when we went to see the girls it kind of came to a head to see their little bodies wrapped up in wires.

 Later that evening we returned to the hospital with Jordan's family so that Jordan and Dad could give the girls blessings. The blessings they gave were beautiful and our girls, who are usually feisty and wiggly, were very still--as if they were listening to every word. In those moments I felt my unsettled feelings depart as well, and the love and comfort of our Savior entered in. It was still very hard to leave them at the hospital last night, and I am sure that hard days will continue to follow-- but I am so grateful for the love of our Savior and for the example my little doublets are to me. They are tiny, yet so strong and resilient!  I can be strong, too. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows our limits and will never leave us comfortless!

20 comments:

Megan Miley and Chris said...

Ok, Mom is gone. What can I do to help? Once my mom left I needed all the help I could get. Honestly I really want to help. ANYTHING.

Naomi said...

They are adorable! Isn't it amazing of the love that our Heavenly Father has for us? He only gives us waht we can handle. It is great that they are doing to well. Hang in there! Love ya!

Atkinsons said...

You are doing Great! Please please please let us all help you even if it's just that you need something to talk with. We love you guys.

JEM said...

Maci, you and Jordan (and Tilly and Avery!) are awesome! We love you!

p.s. When do you want that pedicure?! I can even do a personal one for you at home if you don't want to go out.

Glenn and Cristina said...

Keep your head up, your little girls are fighters!

Marisa said...

Thanks for keeping us updated Maci! Your girls are adorable and you guys are so solid. We are here for you with whatever you need.

Kathleen said...

I miss you all already and sooo much!! I know you're taking good care of the babies, just be sure to take good care of you (both).

Jayme said...

Maci, So many times when life seemed overwhelming YOU were my miracle. I wish I were closer,but I'm sending lots of prayers. I know you can do this. You are one tuff cookie. AND you were smart enough to pick an amazing partner. Avery and Tilly have the best odds because they have you as parents.

Darla said...

Oh Mace,
that post made me cry. Dayne was in the NICU for 9 days (for pneumonia), and I remember feeling so overwhelmed and emotional by it all. Not being able to take her home, pumping through the night, only being able to hold her a few times (with tons of wires in the way), it KILLED me!! But I remember telling the nurse helping us how stupid I felt because I knew there were moms in there that had been waiting MONTHS for their little beebs. I know how hard it is and I'm happy you have such a good attitude. Don't worry about the skin pics!! You're a mama and they NEED you. (:

countrygirl said...

Wow, I just got the email from your mom. Know that we are praying for your family out here in Missouri! Your right they are little fighters and so are you!
Love ya,
Diana

honus and Cameron said...

very precious, beautiful girls...my prayers are with you...and if you need ANYTHING...I can be there in an hour....
loves

Nate & Carlee said...

What a sweet post! I remember when Reid was born and had some pretty scary (and possibly life-threatening) health problems. You feel really alone, and then top that off with crazy post-pregnancy hormones and breast pumps and you've got yourself a sad cocktail of worry. I am so, so glad that Heavenly Father is blessing you with comfort because I know that until those little gals come home He'll be the only one that really can! We are praying for you, and if ANYONE can do this it's you!

Chrissie Brown said...

Gosh, I'm blubbering after reading this. You guys are so amazing. And I love the new pics, so cute! I hope you're not feeling alone, and if you do remember there are LOTS of people thinking about you and hoping things are well. Take care of yourself and Jordan too, they need their mommy and daddy!

JEM said...

Jeremy votes that this is the sweetest blog post ever. He wasn't even embarrased by all the "skin." :)

Holly and Matthew said...

OH you are doing such a wonderful job!! We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers and put your name on the prayer roll as well. :) Are people taking meals to your home? What can we do to help? We are only in Pleasant Grove... not too far away at all. What a blessing to have the gospel and to know that Heavenly Father understands what we do not comprehend. I am convinced that when we reach the other side, we will be amazed at how the Lord has micromanaged our lives and yet still allowed us our agency. . . only the Father who loves us with a perfect love can do that. We will keep looking on your blog for more adorable pictures of your sweet little ones. They are beautiful! WE love you GUYS!!! Keep the faith! :)

Raquel & Marc said...

they are so precious. I wish we could be there to help take care of you and give your little ones loves. We think of you several times a day and are praying for you lots too! We love you!

JEM said...

Just in case anyone's reading the comments: The girls are being life-flighted to McKay Dee Hospital for heart surgery today. Please continue to keep Tilly, Avery, Maci and Jordan in your prayers! Maci's mom and sister are in town to be with Maci for moral support.

sakmb said...

Maci, your girls are very cute! even with all the wires. also I know they cant wear clothes yet, but burlington coat factory has the smallest premie clothes I have been able to find without buying them online. If you have not blessed them yet ( baby blessing) my sister in law has a little shop and she custom makes clothes she made Kira's blessing dress and other NICU clothes they are all nicu safe it had velcro and ties for all the wires and it still turned out really cute, so thats a thought her shop is called Cinderella's Closet and is in American Fork. I hope everything goes well for your family and your girls we are praying for you.

julie said...

they are so sweet!! congrats! and by the way, you look great. keep up the good work and give your babies a kiss from me. ;)

Jayme said...

Maci and Jordan,
I remember that reading emails from friends to Marissa also made her heart rate go down. So... Tilly and Avery this one is for you.
I want to tell you a little bit about your mom and dad. You have probably already notice that you have two of the nicest, most amazing parents ever. Your mom spent a lot of time in my home with my children and she TOTALLY blessed their lives and mine. She is a hard worker. She use to get so much done, I would ask her who she brought in while I was out. She kept my house clean and organized AND, most importantly, played with my kids. They love her. She is amazingly reliable. That is a great quality to have in a mom. You have also probaly noticed that she has a very happy disposition. She doesn't even seem to notice she is working. She always came in and went out with a smile. When I think of your mom, I think of her smiling and laughing. I love her laugh! You are so lucky to get to hear her laugh all life long!
Then, there is your dad... What can I say about a guy that is just so darn fun and silly? You lucked out getting a dad that will always be a kid at heart and have a blast playing with you. You should have seen him on my family room floor playing trains with my boys. He won his way into all our heart really fast, as I'm sure he has yours. Yes, it's easy to see his fun side. But I also saw his compasionate side (not hard to see either). When he would come to visit, anytime Marissa was around he would nonchalantly go over and tell her hello. He doesn't need to be the center of attention. Although he may first appear to be the fun guy, he is also very content to quietly do good. Kindness is part of his nature. He is an honest, righteous hardworking man. He will provide a great life for that both of you and your mom. You are so lucky to have them and they are so lucky to have you!
I look forward tomeeting you!!
With love,
Jayme Bahouth